Training Wheels
Life looks a little different from this seat, but I'm still pedaling forward.
As I sit down to write this post, the calendar reads June. The 6th month of the year. Some days it feels like wow how did the month come so quickly and other days where it seems like the slowest way to get to the halfway point. Wherever you find yourself we both have arrived at this point together. I don’t know what the weather is like where you are reading this but here in NY, the weather has been creeping up to warmer temperatures with some days reaching the height of summer peak at mid 80’s and 90’s.
With the warmer temperatures near, June also reminds me of the hopefulness of hot days and warmer nights. The night stays lighter out allowing all of us to enjoy more outside activities from BBQs to beach days to baseball games and fireworks. It also brings more time for family days with playing lawn games and riding bikes.
The last few weekends, when the weather has been nice enough, my niece and nephew are excited to ride their bicycles. As many parents do, my sister and brother-in-law are teaching them all the rules for riding the bicycle for safety and enjoyment reasons. One of the rules is they must ride the bicycle with training wheels until they are ready to be on their own.
Training wheels. It got me thinking about how our grief journey can be much like learning to ride a bicycle with training wheels. Just like kids learning to ride bikes, us grievers need to re learn how to ride the bike on life’s journey. A journey that often times looks completely different. A path we never envisioned ourselves to be on. Yet here we are faced with the road before us. How do we ride this new road? We need “training wheels”.
Google AI defines training wheels as “small, temporary wheels attached to a bicycle’s rear axle to help beginners learn to ride” By providing stability, they let riders focus on steering and pedaling without the risk of tipping over. It also is a term often used metaphorically to describe temporary support systems that make learning a new skill easier.
When John died, my world completely collapsed and I felt unknown. As a couple we were traveling the road of life together for 15 years and now suddenly this road is traveled by me alone. The path that was we is now me. In those first days, months and even year, the path felt so foreign and I didn’t know how to navigate. I wasn’t “trained” for riding this type of road. Like a beginner learning to ride a bicycle, the first thing I needed was to seek training wheels.
What are some training wheels when grieving? Just like in cycling, we need to seek those things that will provide stability to offer us ways to pedal and steer without falling and tipping over. For me that looks like finding others who know the way. Connecting with other widows and grievers in a peer support group who understand and empathize those feelings and emotions my lips and heart cannot utter at times. There is a calm and peace that comes with the acknowledgment from others that you are not alone on this road. And those others are walking beside us like those parents putting on the training wheels but staying close behind if needed. Some other “training wheels” are a priest, pastor, or spiritual advisor; a therapist/counselor to help sort out anxiety and all the feelings you are experiencing; a trusted friend or family member you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with.
Small, temporary wheels. The definition Google provides reads that training wheels are small and temporary wheels. In our grief journey, the raw, ugly, heart wrenching ache we feel in our first few days/months/years are temporary. I’m not saying they go away completely. What I am saying is that it will not feel so intense as we move forward. The training wheels that we seek offer us guidance and support in how to take one step. This grief journey we now travel on will be filled with hills and some rough roads to navigate. It may feel at times that we are just traveling in circles. And often times we may get a little further up the road only to fall back to where we started. That’s ok. It is expected. This is all new terrain.
Like a new beginner on a bicycle, we are going to fall down from time to time. Even with training wheels. The key is to remember we can get backup and try again. As a griever, there are so many decisions and tasks that fall on us to handle that can be overwhelming and often times we may not get things right. But we have the chance to begin again. We do so by taking one minute at a time; one day at a time; and one breath at a time.
When training to ride a bike, there are 2 key things to remember that can be applied to our grief journey.
Be patient: Don’t try to force the process. If you find yourself getting tired or frustrated, take a break and come back to it later. Shorter, more focused practice sessions may be a better approach than trying to do too much all at once.
In grief, we need not rush our grief. It is not something we get over. Rather it is something we must go through. Our grief journey is unique. Your way may be different than mine. We must travel at our own pace and go through it. My experience as a bereavement facilitator I often remind others (as well as myself) to go gentle with ourselves. To give ourselves grace as we have undergone a very difficult life experience. We are changed. We are evolving and rediscovering who we are. We are grieving.
Don’t give up: You may not learn to pedal right away, but with continued practice, you’ll get it. Remember that each time it’s going to get a little bit easier.
This grief journey can be exhausting. The decisions needing to be made; the kids that need taking care of; household tasks can be hard to keep up with. And waking up to each day remembering that our loved one is not here can be exhausting.
As grievers we are not going to get everything right. We make decisions and choices that are the best for ourselves. Those decisions may not be to the like of others, but those others may be wanting us to be the same person we were before our loved one passed. That is not how things work. You will never be the same again. You are different now.
Grief is not linear. The road you are riding on today may be different tomorrow. Heck, it may even turn abruptly. Don’t give up. You are not alone. You are enough.
Maybe you find yourself in the fresh days of grief and learning to ride on this grief journey. Maybe you are a little further on in your grief and have learned to ride without training wheels attached but still utilize the training wheel tools shared with you to navigate the road ahead. Or perhaps you were coasting along on this new journey but have encountered a detour (i.e. flashbacks, compounded grief, sickness) and need to re learn how to ride again. Whatever journey you are on, remember grief is not linear. With all the twist and turns this grief journey brings, let’s strap on our helmets, straddle our bikes, and start pedaling. And enjoy the ride wherever it leads.
Be well. ED
It comes in Waves- Rhy Elliot